


Welcome to the murder

by gluupor



Series: The Continuing Adventures of the Nine-Nine [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Brooklyn Nine-Nine inspired, Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 16:12:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13414899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluupor/pseuds/gluupor
Summary: “So Neil seems interesting,” Renee ventured.Andrew snorted. “His entire life is garbage. I can’t believe I’m gonna sleep with him.”“Well,” said Renee diplomatically, “you don’thaveto-”“No,” said Andrew, cutting her off. “I’m gonna.”





	Welcome to the murder

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday, Neil. I feel bad about everything that's been happening to him in [Real or Not Real](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13345323) so I wrote a super ridiculous Brooklyn Nine-Nine inspired fluff piece. See how many quotes from the show you can identify.

It was a regular Friday at the ninety-ninth precinct when Captain David Wymack strolled out into the bullpen. Dan and Kevin were typing up reports, Renee was interviewing a witness, Allison was chatting loudly on her personal cellphone, Matt was enjoying a bowl of soup not noticing that his tie was submerged in it, Andrew was idly throwing knives at a dart board, and Nicky had his feet up on his desk and was filing his nails.

“Kevin,” said Wymack brusquely.

Kevin looked up from his computer hurriedly. “Yes, Dad?” he asked. Everyone stared at him, except for Andrew who just kept throwing knives: _thunk, thunk, thunk_. Kevin started babbling in order to correct himself. “I mean, Captain. Not Dad. Captain. It don’t see you as a father figure, sir. Although you are technically my biological father, but we didn’t know that until recently, so it would be weird for me to think of you as my dad. You’re just my captain, Dad.” His face fell in horror. “I mean-”

“Kevin,” said Dan, thankfully interrupting Kevin’s word vomit. “How about you be quiet and let Captain Dad talk?”

Allison and Matt both snorted, but Wymack ignored them. “I just got a call from the hospital. They said that they’d treated a completely uncooperative patient who was insisting that he had to speak with you. He checked himself out against the doctor’s orders, so they wanted to give you a heads up that he may be on his way over here.”

Kevin looked perplexed. “Did you get the guy’s name?”

Wymack consulted his notes. They were barely legible. “Westinski? Or something like that.”

That didn’t appear to clear anything up for a few moments until Kevin’s face went white. “ _Neil_?” he asked, aghast. “Why was he in the hospital?”

Andrew’s knife throwing paused briefly before resuming with slightly more force.

“Who is this guy?” asked Matt.

Kevin flapped his hands uselessly. “It’s Neil, you know Neil. We used to work together at the one-two.”

“Wait, do you mean Neil Josten?” asked Dan. “Your ex-partner who helped you bust the Moriyama crime ring?”

“Josten?” muttered Wymack. “Why would they say Westinski, then?”

“He changed his name because his father was Nathan Wesninski,” said Kevin impatiently. “Why was he in the hospital?”

“Your ex-partner Neil is _Nathaniel Wesninski_?” demanded Matt. “That’s so cool! I love him already.”

“He’s actually a giant asshole,” said Kevin. “But, sir, _why was he in the hospital_?”

“It’s nothing to worry about, Kev,” said a new voice from the elevator. “I’m fine.”

Neil Josten was not particularly impressive to look at. From his appearance it was impossible to tell that he was the son of a notorious gangster, or that he’d become a cop and made one of the biggest crime busts in history. He stood a couple inches over five feet, wore grey sweatpants and a grey hoodie, and had tousled auburn curls and ice-blue eyes. Oh, and he was covered in bruises and bloodstains.

“If you’re fine, then why are you bleeding?” Allison asked suspiciously.

Neil looked down at the blood patch that was expanding over his appendix. “It’s nothing. I was lightly stabbed.”

“I’m sorry,” said Matt. “You were stabbed?”

“ _Lightly_ stabbed,” said Neil with a shrug. “I don’t want to worry you.”

 _Thunk, thunk_ , went Andrew’s knives.

“You were at the hospital,” accused Kevin. “You’re clearly injured.”

“I’m _barely_ injured,” Neil protested. “The doctor said that most of the bleeding is internal. That’s where the blood is supposed to be! Also, I have a hairline fracture in my thumb, but that’s mankind’s least important finger, right?”

“What happened?” Kevin asked, becoming slightly hysterical. “I haven’t heard from you in weeks.”

“Don’t get your panties in a twist, Kevin,” said Neil. “Some thugs mistook me for a homeless person and beat me up.”

“Why did they think you were homeless?” asked Allison. “Other than the obvious,” she amended, gesturing at Neil’s clothing.

“Well I’ve been sleeping in a box under the bridge,” Neil started to explain.

“ _What_?!” exploded Kevin.

“Relax, Kev, I was undercover,” said Neil nonchalantly. “But now my Captain doesn’t think I should do that anymore, so I put in for a transfer to the nine-nine!”

“But what’s the emergency?” Dan asked. Neil looked at her blankly. “Why did you check yourself out of the hospital in order to speak with Kevin?”

Neil’s eyebrows came together in consternation. “I didn’t leave the hospital for Kevin. I left because I’m fine.”

“Okay,” said Dan briskly, clapping her hands together. “You’re going to go back to the hospital and make sure that you’re completely healed before you even think about coming back here.”

“Sarge,” said Neil, looking at Dan’s name plate, “with all due respect, I am gonna completely ignore everything you just said.”

“Listen here, you little martyr,” said Kevin angrily, standing up and stalking towards Neil. “You might not care about your wellbeing, but there are people who do. So you’re going to shut your tiny jerk mouth and come with me and get patched up or I’ll stab you myself.”

Matt stared at Kevin. “Wow, Kevin, I feel like you’re being a little harsh.”

“Thanks, good note,” said Kevin. “I was going for extremely harsh. I’ll turn it up.”

He herded Neil into the elevator to take him down to the locker room to clean him up and treat his wounds.

Wymack looked around. Nicky was still sitting with his feet on his desk, his attention split between his nails and the scene that Neil and Kevin had made.

“Hemmick, have you finished any of that paperwork I gave you?” Wymack asked his administrative assistant.

“Sorry, Captain, but I couldn’t do that paperwork,” replied Nicky. “It’s homophobic.”

Wymack started massaging his temples. “I feel like I’m going to regret asking this, but: how is the paperwork homophobic?”

Nicky blew on the tips of his fingers and spread them out to admire them. He looked up at Wymack. “I’m gay and it’s inconveniencing me.”

* * *

Later, in the break room, Andrew and Renee were drinking coffee and sitting together quietly at one of the tables. Neil and Kevin had returned from Kevin’s attempts at first aid and Neil appeared to have been mummified. He had at least showered and was wearing clean borrowed clothing. He sat in the chair next to Kevin’s desk while Kevin attempted to type up reports, needling Kevin enough that Kevin was slowly but surely coming unglued.

“So Neil seems interesting,” Renee ventured.

Andrew snorted. “His entire life is garbage. I can’t believe I’m gonna sleep with him.”

“Well,” said Renee diplomatically, “you don’t _have_ to-”

“No,” said Andrew, cutting her off. “I’m gonna.”

Just then, another diminutive blonde walked through the bullpen.

“Nicky,” Andrew growled in annoyance.

“What’s going on with you and Aaron lately anyway?” Renee asked.

“You know what I like about our relationship, Renee? We don't talk about our love lives, or our families, or anything that's on our minds. It's why you're my closest friend in the world.” Andrew got to his feet, threw away his paper coffee cup, and stalked through the bullpen to where his brother was standing at Nicky’s desk. He glared at Nicky for an explanation, not willing to speak in Aaron’s presence.

Nicky quailed under their twin stares. “Oh, come on, you guys! You have to patch things up sometime! This feud you have going on is ridiculous.”

“You said that there was an emergency here that needed a coroner,” Aaron complained.

“What kind of emergency needs a coroner?” asked Allison, who was eavesdropping nearby. “Isn’t everybody already dead when we call the coroner?”

The three of them ignored her. “Okay, look,” said Nicky. “Andrew, you hate Aaron’s girlfriend for some unknown reason; probably because she is supportive and sweet and those traits horrify and confuse you.” He turned to Aaron. “And Aaron, you have been blatantly homophobic; possibly because you were raised by a bigot and you don’t realize how hurtful your words are to your brother and cousin.” He smiled winningly. “So you’ve both made some mistakes. Now, you’re both going to say ‘I’m sorry’ on the count of three and then everything will be better. One… two… three!”

Neither Aaron nor Andrew reacted and Nicky slumped dejectedly. “Well, now I’m just disappointed in both of you.”

Aaron scoffed. “He’s never going to apologize. He threatened Katelyn with a knife!”

“Well that sounds pretty in character for him,” said Nicky. “Are you sure it wasn’t him welcoming her to the family?”

“Don’t bother me when I’m at work,” Aaron sneered and stormed back through the bullpen.

Nicky turned a pleading expression towards Andrew. “You have to talk to him, that’s what brothers do!”

“Nope,” said Andrew. “I’m gonna wait till I’m on my deathbed, get in the last word, and then die immediately.”

“That’s your plan to deal with this?” asked Nicky incredulously.

“That’s my plan to deal with everything,” replied Andrew.

“I’m surprised you didn’t eat him in the womb,” sighed Nicky. “I’m going to have to lock you two in a room together until you work out your differences.”

“No. I don’t spend time alone with people. Two hours is the most I’ve ever spent alone with another person. It was the worst experience of my life.”

Nicky cocked his head thoughtfully. “What about that time we drove up to Columbia together? That was about two hours.” He paused. “...Oh. I see what you did there,” he said sadly. Then he brightened again. “Well, I have exciting news. I found the perfect person to set you up with.”

“After zero consideration, I’m going to have to say, ‘Hard pass’,” replied Andrew.

“No, really,” said Nicky. “I went to hit on Neil, because how could I not? Did you see those eyes? Anyway, he just looked me up and down and said he only sleeps with guys shorter than he is. Isn’t that great! I knew being tiny would come in handy for you eventually!”

“Hmmmm,” said Andrew thoughtfully, before heading back to his desk. He stopped by the dart board on the way to retrieve all the knives he’d thrown earlier.

* * *

After work, the members of the nine-nine congregated at the bar as usual. Kevin dragged Neil in and forced him into a seat at the table, collapsing beside him.

“Neil!” cried Nicky. “It’s great that you’re here! We’re celebrating.”

“Why are we celebrating?” asked Kevin. “Everything is terrible.”

“We met our arrest targets last month,” said Dan. “Nicky’s using it as an excuse to celebrate.”

“Andrew is even wearing his formal leather jacket,” said Nicky conspiratorially, indicating where Andrew was standing at the bar. He leaned forward to whisper, “It's the one without any blood on it.”

“What do you mean, everything is terrible?” Matt asked Kevin. “Your friend, the most amazing man in the world, is coming to work at the nine-nine.”

“I called Captain Wymack ‘dad’ again,” Kevin moaned. “Twice.”

“I’m also sitting right here and can hear you,” said Wymack from farther down the table. Kevin dropped his head into his hands and made a noise like a sad whale.

Andrew returned to the table. “The bartender made me my favourite drink,” he said.

“I don’t think one drink is going to help,” said Kevin pathetically.

Andrew thunked a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue onto the table. “An entire bottle of whisky.”

Kevin perked up. “A lot of drinks might help.”

Renee trailed after Andrew carrying a tray of glasses to the table. Kevin started pouring out the whisky.

“Pass me a glass,” Allison commanded. Instead, Kevin passed one down to Wymack. Allison huffed in exasperation. “So you choose your dad over me, your co-worker who hates you?” she asked.

Kevin just drained a glass of whisky before pouring another.

“Slow down there, Kevin,” said Andrew.

“Yeah, that can’t be good for your liver,” added Matt.

Kevin gave Andrew a dirty look. “You should focus on your own body. When was the last time you ate a carrot?” he asked.

Andrew shrugged. “It’s my least favourite type of cake, so rarely,” he said. “But I don’t care about your health. What I meant was: don’t waste the whisky.”

After all the drinks had been distributed, the table broke up into separate smaller conversations.

“So Neil,” said Nicky. “We want to know more about you. Tell us about your family.”

“I… have one,” said Neil stiffly.

“Nicky,” said Andrew warningly. “That’s way too personal. No one needs to know that Neil has a family.”

“We already had the conversation about his mobster father, didn’t we?” Kevin asked obliviously.

Nicky cringed. “Oops,” he said.

“Do any of you enjoy any books and/or movies?” Neil asked, changing the subject both blatantly and awkwardly.

“Robocop,” Andrew replied. “It's got everything I like. Gratuitous violence.”

Nicky waited a couple beats. “Oh, I thought you were listing things you liked about it,” he said.

“I was,” said Andrew. “I’m done.”

The conversation somehow went on from there, mainly due to Nicky’s valiant efforts, until Neil got up to visit the washroom.

“No hard feelings,” Andrew said as Neil stood, “but I hate you.” Neil raised an eyebrow at him, so Andrew made a shooing motion. “Not joking, bye.”

Neil just shook his head and headed to the back of the bar.

“Andrew,” hissed Nicky. “What are you doing?”

“Insulting him,” said Andrew. “Telling him I hate him, threatening to kill him, offering to carve the skin from his body. You know: flirting.”

“Oh, boy,” sighed Nicky. “That’s never going to work.”

Neil made his way back over to the table, walking behind Andrew’s chair. “So,” he said, knocking his knuckles on the table. Andrew looked up and they made eye contact. “Sex?” Neil asked.

Andrew downed the rest of his drink and stood, tossing his jacket over his arm and leading Neil towards the exit. Neil waved goodbye at the rest of them as they stared after him and Andrew in varying degrees of shock.

“Your place?” they could hear Neil ask as they headed through the door.

Andrew grunted in reply.

“It was rhetorical,” said Neil. “I’ve been living in a box under a bridge, so…”

The door closed behind them. Nicky stared at his coworkers in bewilderment.

“Am I hallucinating?” he asked. He turned to Matt. “I think I’m hallucinating, because I’m pretty sure I just heard your biceps mocking me.”

“No, that’s possible,” said Matt. “My biceps mock a lot of people.”

* * *

Once they got through the door to the apartment, Andrew’s hands were all over Neil. Not in a sexual way, much to Neil’s disappointment; instead he peeled up Neil’s borrowed hoodie to examine his injuries.

“My coworkers already know too much about me,” Andrew complained as he poked at the bruises. “Now they know that we went home together.”

Neil rolled his eyes. “You’ve worked with them for a while now and none of them, even your cousin, have an inkling that we’ve been married for five years. I think you can handle them knowing that you have a libido.”

Neil breathed in sharply as Andrew prodded at the knife wound.

“What actually happened?” Andrew asked.

“Everything got screwed up, big time.”

“Given your daily life experiences, you’re going to have to be more specific,” said Andrew dryly.

“I was made,” Neil said. “They knew I was a cop as soon as I met with them.”

Andrew growled under his breath. “That’s the fourth time in three months that people have known you’re undercover. You used to be better at this.”

“I know,” said Neil. “Browning is sure there’s a mole. That’s why he sent me to the nine-nine. He’s not sure if the mole is working specifically against me or the precinct in general. Plus, he said that I should stick close to Kevin in case it’s a Moriyama supporter making trouble.”

Andrew hummed thoughtfully. “I don’t like it.”

“Me neither,” said Neil. “I’ve been trying to investigate, but I can’t find anything and I don’t know what to do.”

Andrew snorted. “I can’t find anything and I don’t know what to do: title of your sex tape.”

Neil laughed and took Andrew’s hand, leading him towards their bedroom. “Title of _our_ sex tape,” he corrected.

**Author's Note:**

> This was fun! Let me know if you liked it!
> 
> I can be found on tumblr [@gluupor](http://gluupor.tumblr.com).


End file.
